Commando

Where to begin?

Commando tells the story of John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a former Special Forces colonel, who has retired and is living peacefully with his daughter in a remote location. The movie kicks off with three rapid-fire executions of Matrix’s former team members, which leads to Matrix’s old commander, General Franklin Kirby (James Olson), to pay him a visit to warn him that someone is killing off his old team.

Before long though, Matrix’s daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped by a man called General Arius (Dan Hedaya), who wants Matrix to assassinate the president of Val Verde so that Arius himself can come into power. So why pick Matrix for this job? Well, you see, Matrix was the one who helped the current president become head of state in the first place. Also, the bad guy working for Arius and the man with the plan is Bennett (Vernon Wells), a former team member of Matrix’s who is, surprise, not actually dead (the murders were all a ruse, you see…). He is, however, royally pissed off that Matrix had him thrown off the team for insubordination, and now he wants revenge.

Matrix, naturally wanting to get his daughter back alive, realises he has no choice but to get on the plane to Val Verde, but he also knows that Bennett will kill Jenny whether he does what he’s told or not. After killing the guy sent to escort him on to the plane, Matrix escapes off the plane in mid-takeoff, and sets out on his mission: to find and save his daughter before the plane lands in Val Verde and Arius and Bennett realise they’ve been out-foxed.

The story continues in this ludicrous vein for another ninety minutes or so, never stopping even for a moment to take a breath. After a while, Matrix is joined by Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), who helps him out on his quest. At first she’s an unwilling kidnap victim; later, she’s using a rocket launcher to break him out of an armed police van. Somewhere in there she also flies a plane, and apparently she also takes advanced karate classes. Yes, seriously.

This movie is the most unrelenting, adrenaline-fuelled, action-packed thing I’ve seen in a while, not to mention the body count which is off the charts (Matrix alone offs 81 people!). They don’t really make movies like this anymore, and who was better at it than Arnold was in the 1980s? At one point, Cindy says “I can’t believe this macho bullshit!”, which kind of seems to nail what watching this was like for me.

And speaking of Cindy, the misogyny on display here is staggering; first, Matrix kidnaps her to use her car, then he has her play prostitute and bait, and after all is said and done, she’s become some sort of maternal figure to his daughter. Wow.

The bad guys are a mixed assortment of your standard loons. Bennett is crazy as a bag of hammers, and for some reason he wears a chainmail vest. Then there’s Cooke (Bill Duke) and the fight Matrix has with him has to be seen to be believed. Finally we have Sully (David Patrick Kelly, who of course played the taunting asshole in The Warriors), a squirrely-looking guy who’s not as tough as he wants you to believe. His death is outstanding in it’s full cheesy glory.

All action aside, the movie is also one of the funniest I’ve seen in a while. Of course, there are the one-liners (“Wrong!”, “Let off some steam”, “I let him go”, “I lied”), and just the dialogue in general (“You scared, motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.” “I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.”) is hysterical. Mix that with the over-the-top action, the killing and the music, and you’ve got one seriously hilarious movie.

The best Matrix moments include (but are not limited to):
- Walking in the woods, carrying a chainsaw in his right hand and a tree (yes, a whole tree) in his left.
- Jumping off a plane mid-takeoff.
- Pulling loose an entire phone booth to get at the bad guy inside.
- Swinging across a mall by holding on to a balloon (!)
- Dressing in camouflage and smearing paint on his face for no discernable reason.
- And of course, every scene where he kills someone.

I could go the conventional route here and dismiss this as a silly, brainless action movie. And it is absolutely that. But you know what? It’s also an awesome, explosive, kickass barrell of fun. I haven’t been this entertained or laughed this hard in years. Check it out if you haven’t already, while I order the Special Edition DVD.